Bacon: The Most Underrated Weapon In A Domestic Dispute

WPVI – A North Carolina man reported to police that he was slapped with a package of bacon Sunday.
According to a police report, the man said he was arguing with his girlfriend at their apartment in Goldsboro when she struck him in the face with an uncooked package of bacon.

Goldsboro police said charges had not yet been filed.

Typically the weapon of choice in a domestic dispute is knives and guns. Now I have no experience with domestic disputes or domestic violence. But, the use of a gun or knife seems to be overkill. (No pun intended.) From what I’ve heard, you want to use something that just puts the other person in their place. During the weekend I work the drunk shift at a pizza place, so I’ve seen some fights between friends, strangers, and between couples. Every fight between couples are just them screaming at each other, except one dispute. As well, I had to kick every single group that was in a fight, except the one couple that were not screaming at each other. The guy was passed out drunk in his seat and the girlfriend was trying to get him up. The guy finally woke up and called the broad a bitch. Never a smart move. I could see the smoke coming out of the broad’s ears and I was thinking this will not end well. Without hesitation the girl reached for her man’s slice of pizza and slapped him across the face. The man was in complete shock and said ‘I’m sorry babe, I was wrong.’ See, if you use and object that will humiliate the other. There is nothing more humiliating and humbling than a nice mixture of pizza grease, sauce, cheese, and ranch (he was white, white people love ranch with their pizza) on your face.

This woman know that if she slapped bacon across her man’s face, it would end the argument right then and there. But I have one problem with this, don’t you dare use the scared piece of meat in a disrespectful manner. There are unwritten bacon laws for a reason. She broke one of the bacon laws (which hold higher than the laws of this great nation) so she shall be sentenced to 100 days of eating only salad.

By the way that agrument had to be over something serious. I have never heard or seen someone mad when they are about to eat bacon (I guess you could say vegans but they don’t count as humans). Ohh wait I think I just cracked the code. That bitch bought turkey bacon, you know that bacon create from lies. It had to be over turkey bacon, I can’t think of any other conclusion. And if she did buy turkey bacon he NEEDS to press charges like I need steak.

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