Mike Ditka Da Legend

As usual I dig through the depths of the internet to find material to blog. I always check my normal sites like reddit, espn, drudge report, and the Daily Wire to find articles that fit into my typical material (smut sports, sports gambling, politics, broads, vegans destroying America, social justice warriors destroying America, etc.). As I check the main topics on ESPN I come across a headline about my favorite American, and idol, Mike Ditka. Anything about Mike Ditka is blog material. He always speaks his mind about any topic he is asked, which without failure triggers the left (if you haven’t noticed by now, a triggered Liberal is my favorite thing in the world). Mike Ditka, again has triggered the left. He said America has not faced oppression in 100 years and I will blog about that next.

You may be wondering why is Tommy Cold Cuts not blogging about Ditka’s comments in this blog. Well, I searched ‘Mike Ditka’ on the internet so I could get every triggered take possible. One of the first results was a Deadspin article. If you are not familiar with Deadspin, they are a left wing sports website with capital j journalists that hate sports. I knew for a fact I struck gold with this Deadspin article. Well, little did I know I should have read the title of the article before I clicked on it. (I’m sorry I got excited when I saw the Deadspin logo and forgot to read). This article was published back in 2014. The reason why this would be one of the top results beats me. Deadspin asked their left wing readers to send in negative Mike Ditka stories. Well, I found non of these stories to be negative at all, but to be stories that would make me even more of a Mike Ditka fan than before (which I didn’t even know was possible).

ditka legend

First off, this is the image of Ditka they chose to place at the top of the article to, I guess, paint a negetive image of Da Coach. Nahh, it shows Iron Mike will show his grit we saw in highlights from his playing and coaching days at cigar events for his fans. Da Coach may be drunk after a round of golf and would rather be cracking a few cold ones at the 19th hole after a round of golf, which we all know he dominated, but he knows he has to be there for the fans.

The first of many story:

He was doing a Cigar signing for his brand launch. He showed up late, was hammered the entire time and was apparently pretty rude to the people he was signing for, bitching that he had to do it while they were with him. He’d been golfing all day so apparently he was also bright red.

I’m sorry but who would want to be signing autographs, shaking hands with strangers, and making small talk with people after a round of golf. I know for a fact I would not want to. Let’s face it he was probably only short with this person because you have to keep the line moving. During a signing you don’t have time to have a long conversation, it is small talk and move on. Also, what is wrong with being hammered? No doubt this person that sent in this story is left wing snowflake, well fuck this person reads Deadspin so of course he is a left wing snowflake. I have three words for this man: Grow. A. Pair. Seriously, you are probably a disappointment to you family.

True story: he was doing a signing for some of his godawful smokes at a cigar shop in western MA a few years back. He reeked of Jim Beam and Slim Jims, and half an hour in decides he needs a break from signing autographs for the 11 people there, to drop sticks. Seventeen minutes later he’s back and a waft of shit immediately filled the room, evidently he flushed and didn’t stick around to realize it had overflowed under the door. Now people are panicking because the water just kept running out onto the floor, the shop owner is doing damage control yelling to one of the staff to get it fixed ASAP and there’s Ditka yelling “don’t look at me, I just took a goddamn piss!”….despite it being a one-person capacity bathroom that he just walked out of a second earlier!

Honestly, this has to be my favorite Ditka story of all time, next to his hip popping out of socket on the set of ‘Kicking & Screaming’.

Right away when this person started off with the line ‘…he was doing a signing for some of his godawful smokes at a cigar shop in western MA a few years back.’ he lost all credibility. If you think Ditka’s Camacho cigars are godawful (which is fake news, they are on my do to list for cigars) why would you even wait in line for an autograph from Ditka? No one takes time out of their day to get an autograph from someone they do not like, NO ONE. But then again I don’t understand the mind of a Liberal, so maybe this is something Liberals do for fun while they are living off of welfare because their degree in lesbian dance theory has not landed them a steady paying job. The next sentence from this snowflake is he smelled like Jim Beam and Slim Jims. I would buy that cologne in a New York minute. I have been a fan of Slim Jims since day one. During my freshman year of high school I would buy out all of the slim jims on every Tuesday (the shipping date was every Tuesday). The only reason I stopped buying them was because the school stopped selling them (thanks Obama). Then the man continues to go on and complain Dikta (allegedly) took a shit. I’m sorry but nature calls. With the diet of whiskey, slim jims, and cigars you are going to have massive shits, which brings me to the next point. After Ditka takes the Cosby kids for a swim he clogged the toilet like a champ. He destroyed that toilet like the Pats in the 1985 Super Bowl. When the toilet overflowed he said he just took a piss. Honestly, I think no matter what that toilet had a weak flush. Trust me I know, with my diet of steak, slim jims, pizza, wings, and occasional chipotle (for a healthy meal once a month), I had to install the most powerful flush toilet in my bathroom and the first floor bathroom (Koehler and American Standard if anyone was curious.. by the way they are American made for American shits). I think this left winger was just triggered because Ditka is a conservative and murdered the Patriots in 1985. As we all know, no matter what, Boston fans will hold onto losses and get instantly triggered when you bring them up. If you want prof, just say Giants. You could even use the word ‘giants’ in a sentence and they will be triggered. For example, “Wow those people are giant.” “Richard Seymour was held on the helmet catch play.”

 

Friend was a waitress years ago at his Chicago steakhouse. “Coach” was eating in-house one night with a group of male friends and although she was two weeks new and hadn’t met him yet, she got the call to wait on his table. She grew up in Schaumburg and loved Ditka.

Friend: This is such an honor, I’m such a huge fan. It’s so great to wait on you guys tonight.

Ditka: (takes cigar out of mouth, looks up at her, and takes a ten second pause)…

Ditka: …

Ditka: …

Ditka: (finally, without smiling) Can I eat your pussy?

This is a true story.

My only question about this story is what was her answer? I mean she loved Ditka. But how much did she really love Iron Mike?

I played blackjack next to him at the New Orleans Harrah’s in 2001. It was his first visit back since being kicked out for throwing a lit cigar at a dealer. It was a pretty tense table. I moved over one table, and had the best run of my life.

What a fucking pussy playing blackjack with Da Coach shall be cherished. That is a once in a lifetime scenario. You were scared because Ditka threw a lit cigar at the dealer during his previous visit? Are you kidding? I can’t emphasize this enough Liberals are the biggest pussies on Earth. The dealer probably sucked, Iron Mike just doesn’t do things for shits and giggles, there is meaning behind everything he does. Why would he waste a lit Ditka Camacho cigar for fun? Ditka cares about his cigars. He would never waste a cigar unless it was complete necessary. Anyways how does one even find out Ditka threw a cigar at the dealer at his visit? The story sounds like the person knew Ditka did this before he sat down at the table. I don’t know, Ditka throwing a lit cigar doesn’t add up, unless if Colin Kaepernick was the dealer. This person clearly has a beef with Ditka and saw his favorite website, Deadspin, was asking for negative Mike Ditka stories. I’m calling fake news on this one.

was in Vegas staying at MGM in early 90’s. Up late, wandered in the Barbary Coast next door. Saw commotion and a small crowd in back and saw ditka and a buddy playing craps and smoking big stogies in a roped off area. They were accompanied by 2 very very youthful girls who were screeching things like “oh mike” whenever he was throwing dice. Thought to myself, “how sweet, ditka hanging w his granddaughter at Vegas.”

We have finally learned who has taught the roast master Jeff Ross on the art of roasting. Wow I wish I could have the art of comebacks, the level of wit, and the level of roasting this man possesses. ‘How sweet, Ditka hanging with his granddaughter at Vegas’ is a legendary line. That is the best burn I’ve ever seen. Call the ambulance because Ditka has 3rd degree burns. I wonder how long it took him to come up with that line. Yeah, I’m just kidding that line was complete garbage. Iron Mike gets attractive broads… what is the problem with that? Nothing. Ditka just needed some added motivation during a game of craps. Ditka just didn’t want to crap the bed when he was playing craps.

Mike Ditka hit on my mom shortly after completely blowing me off earlier in the day. He was going to/coming from a hair cut in my hometown and I was working in retail near by. I saw him on my lunch break and simply said “Hi Coach,” or something to that extent and the guy wouldn’t even look my way. My lunch break ended and I went back to work. About 5 minutes later, my mom walks into the store I was working at at the time and says how Mike Ditka just walked up to her and started flirting with her while she was tying up the family dog to a light post right outside the store. I’m a lifelong Bears fan, but I’m a little disappointed that my dog didn’t bite Da Coach right there.

Shooter gotta shoot. Ditka has his eyes on the goal at all times. When he was hired by the Bears, he said he will win a Super Bowl, he achieved the goal. Ditka had his eyes on a MILF and he had to make his move. By the way, we all know she was a MILF because Ditka, the alpha of the alpha males, only swings for the fences.

My grandfather played in a golf tournament in the Chicago burbs years ago – probably mid-90’s. Ditka was some sort of celebrity guest at the tournament and was playing in the group behind pop-pop and his buddies. My grandpa’s foursome, being men of a certain advanced age who stockpile golf balls like they cost $100 apiece, have a habit of driving the carts very slowly along the edge of each hole that is lined by woods, looking for and picking up lost golf balls in the brush. After about three holes of this, Ditka apparently came peeling up in a golf cart with five boxes of new Titleists. He handed them to my grandfather’s partner without leaving his cart and said, through clenched cigar, “These are for youse, but youse can’t look for any more fucking golfs balls in the fucking woods”, then drove away without waiting for a response.

Actually I don’t know if I can blame Ditka for that one.

I completely agree, you can’t blame Ditka for that one. If you drive slow to pick up golf balls, while holding up the group behind you, the outcome will not be a positive one. Nothing pisses golfers off more than a slow group ahead of you. The first thing I learned at a golf camp when I was in 3rd grade was to be a quick golfer. And Ditka’s move of buying new Titleist golf balls is a very nice move. It is a win win. Ditka’s group does not need to wait as long on the tee box and the group of old fuckers gets new golf balls rather than old golf balls. Picking up golf balls is something you do if you are playing on a public or private course with no one behind you. The only other time you pick up golf balls is when you hid in the bushes and steal golf balls of old golfers.

I have been a guest at a country club he belongs to in the northern suburbs of Chicago. He was behind our group during one of the rounds and this is a perfect example of his way or the highway: he was playing in a sixsome, each player in the group had their own golf cart, three fore caddies were also in the group and the play fast as fuck for a shit ton of money. We were eight holes ahead of them when they started and they caught us on 18 and were loudly grumbling while waiting to tee off because me and my friend missed the fairways on our drives. I can’t believe the club lets him pull that crap.

Is there any other way to play golf than playing fast as fuck for a shit ton of money? How in the world are you eight holes ahead of a sixsome and by the 18th they are nipping at your heels? If you golf that slow, you deserve to be bitched at. It doesn’t matter how fast the group is behind you, you should be AT LEAST three beers deep in the clubhouse. You can’t believe the club lets Ditka pull that crap? I can’t believe the club puts up with you group’s horrendous golf etiquette.

My experience was much different. A few years back I saw Mike in either the Admirals or Red Carpet Club at O’Hare. He was in a Chicago Bears leather jacket sitting by himself in a chair just staring ahead, and not moving a muscle. No TV around and just a blank look like a wax figure. It screamed don’t approach me, don’t talk, don’t say hello, don’t even think about it.

If I ever had the level of fame of Iron Mike (which I will never) there would be times I would not want to talk to anyone. Fuck, even right now there are times where I do not want to talk to people. Ditka knew if he was at O’Hare, the main airport in Chi town, there would be many people that would love to talk to him. Ditka realized if he would just stare ahead there would be some people that would get the notion that he does not want to talk to people. Just like when I clicked on this Deadspin article without reading the title, there would be people that would be so excited that they would not even notice Iron Mike’s body language.

Now here is the point where I believe Deadspin forgot they were suppose to post comments that were negative. These final two comments are very positive in nature.

Man, I just heard the coolest story about Ditka from a friend about when he was a kid roaming around a hotel service elevator. They ended up on a terrace where Ditka and other important folk were having a dinner meeting and they stumbled in on it. Staff tried to usher them out, but Ditka told them to be brought to the table and given seats. They thought he was gonna yell at them, but asked them if they were hungry and ordered them plates instead. He chatted, signed things, gave a minor a cigar and now my buddy’s father has something Ditka autographed and a Ditka cigar on his mantle.

With a story starting off with ‘I just heard the coolest story about Ditka from a friend…’ does not sound negative at all. But I’m just a dumb right wing, America loving, political correct hating, college student so I guess I have no clue. This story is legendary to the point he will be telling this story to his grandkids. All great stories during childhood comes from fucking around. Here is another great example. Riding around a service elevator at a hotel always will have a great outcome down the road. Ending up in the middle of a dinner meeting with Ditka and other less important people (face it Ditka trumps every other important folks) has to be equally amazing and an a complete oh shit moment. When Ditka called over the kids, I completely understand why they would be scared shitless. But Ditka, being the badass he is, knew he could turn boys into right wing, politically incorrect men. Ditka gave them food (no doubt it was a lovely steak dinner with a side of mash potatoes and slim jims, with a glass of Jim Beam on the rocks to wash it down) and a cigar. And to top it off Ditka signed items so they can have the memory forever. Then somehow Ditka gave the kid a cigar. Ditka giving someone a cigar is like someone giving a child away. By the way this story proves Ditka will sign anything and great to his fans. Deadspin was stupid for posting this story because is disproves any other negative story submitted.

Ditka owned his own bar and grill in Naples Florida during the late 90s/early 200s. It was the only place you could go watch all the NFL games in Naples, so my brothers and I were there a lot over the Christmas holidays (better than my folks place, for sure).

Ditka was always there, in his own booth and always smoking a cigar with a cocktail in hand.

Sorry to disappoint you, but he was always very nice. Walked around, said hi to everyone, ordered drinks for us when the Rams scored (and they scored a lot back then).

Got nothing but love for Ditka, it was a sad day we he closed the place.

Wait you are telling there are people in Naples, Florida under the age of 60? I thought there was unwritten law that states the Naples is only for AARP members. Also, Naples sounds like a horrible place to live. Only won place to watch football and this place happens to be in America? No way. That is un-American as Communism. That is such a bad ass move by Ditka on every level. Has his own booth where he would smoke cigars and drink some Jim Beam, then would walk around say hello to everyone (how much you want to bet those old men that talked to Ditka got hard without a cock ring or a blue pill) and would buy drinks for the Rams fans during The Greatest Show on Turf era.

The bottom line is Deadspin, once again, swung and missed on an article. Stick to hating sports and your left wing politics.

 

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