If Ronald Reagan is a Cubs fan then God would be a Cubs fan. Since Ronald Ragin is a Cubs that would mean the Founding Fathers are Cubs fans. Also, since God is a Cubs fan that makes Jesus Christ a Cubs fan as well. If God and Jesus Christ are Cubs fans that would make Pope Francis a Cubs fan. Now if the Pope is a Cubs fan that would make Catholics Cubs fans as well. If Ronald Reagan, Pope Francis, the Pope’s best friend God is a Cubs fan, and you can’t forget about the Pope’s second best friend Jesus Christ (he is the son of God as well, for the atheist readers that will burn in hell one day well that is what my Grandma told me and if you have a problem with my Grandma you should stop reading or find Jesus Christ).
The problem is Theo Epstein endorsed Hillary Clinton. I can’t have that. I cannot have a Liberal call the shots of a team. Remember the last time that happened? 9.2 Trillion Dollars added the National Debt (87% increase), and $750 Billion trade deficit in Obama’s last year.
I know you would say what about the World Series for the Cubs or the Red Sox? That was God. God is a Cubs fan and he despises the city of Cleveland. Cleveland peaked with Paul Brown and he left that shit hole and started a team that DOMINATED the Browns ( don’t talk about the Shula years). Now don’t give me shit about not awarding Bron Bron as the peak of Cleveland. His hair line represents the failure of Cleveland. Name me one person that went to Cleveland for vacation, came back and said, “Wow, that was a great decision.” Hell, have you ever heard of people going to Cleveland for vacation period? When my Dad has to go to Cleveland for business, he automatically gets depressed, borderline suicidal. God clearly hates Cleveland, like he should, like everyone should. The reason Boston won was again the big man upstairs, God. I bet you were thinking of Jon Brower Minnoch, the fattest person ever, I’m just talking about God.
God saw Boston as a city that peaked during the Boston Tea Party. We all know nothing will pass bad ass Patriots saying FUCK YOU to the British. But remember God is really smart and noticed Boston made a stupid trade with the Yankees and punished them. Tower of Babeled the fuck out of Boston. Instead of everyone speaking a different language God made everyone assholes with a terrible accent. The problem was the people of Boston embraced the accent (if you haven’t heard the accent watch Good Will Hunting or The Departed) and they started calling themselves Massholes. God cranked the punishment up a notch and gave them Whitey Bulger. Honestly Whitey Bulger sounds like an amateur wrestler rather than a man of sin. Think about it, headlining at your local Walmart… THE TAG TEAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY: WHITEY BULGER AND ‘THE REVOLTING BLOB’ (boom Billy Madison reference) V. JIMMY ‘WATCH OUT HE WILL FUCK YOUR COUSIN’ CARL AND TRASH MAN (boom Always Sunny reference). In 1975 the Red Sox made it to the World Series against the Reds and lost. Then in 1976 God thought hey maybe to heal the wounds of the Reds beating them the following year the Reds would sweep the New York Yankees. (God only suggested this, it was all the Reds). In 1979 God thought Mike Milbury hitting a New York Rangers with a shoe then throwing said shoe onto the ice would make to people of Boston happy but again Boston was greedy and the Bostonians were still assholes. So God talked to his brother Jewish God and said send Theo. Now you might of thought God lost because Jewish God sent Theo Goldberg, I mean Goldstein, shit sorry Epstein to win the Red Sox a championship but no it was all God.
The bottom line is I will root for the Cubs in replacement of the Reds unless Marty Brennaman, in person, tells me otherwise. Actually I forgot to mention I have family in Chicago. You know like the Golden State Warrior fans in Cincinnati, they have family in Golden State (must be loaded I heard Golden State is a very nice state).
P.S.: It is a joke… the Reds have a prospect that does cocaine. I like the Reds direction every team needs a drug guy, look at the ’86 Mets that whole team did cocaine and won the World Series.