After the early death of Larry II, the famous gambling goldfish from Pardon My Take, I realized he was the first celebrity death this year. With the show 2016 put on with celebrity deaths I thought 2017 would be a step up, but I was clearly wrong.
Today I decided to look at the complete list of all celebrities that have died last year and guess what, most I didn’t care about. For example when Prince and George Michael died I honestly did not care. I simply do not listen to that music. Jimmy Fallon had a huge tribute for Prince and every single person became a HUGE Prince fan. Actually I should say YUGE because the level people became such big Prince fans it reminds me of the wall Trump will build.
Oh sweet sweet Nancy I wish I had the opportunity to fuck your brains out you sexy bitch. Beautiful till the end. It’s always sad when you have to remove someone from The Bitches I Hopefully Can Bang List But They Are Clearly Out Of My League. I remember where I was when she died I was grinding my way at work (gritty right? I hope PFT, Danny Woodhead, and all of the fullbacks and water boys are proud). I stopped for a couple seconds while on break because as a Grabowski never take breaks. Yeah I work during my break you PC liberal millennial piece of shit. Everyone says Jackie Kennedy was the most fashionable First Lady oh no no no Nancy is fashion WITH the American Dream. Last I checked blood on a dress is not fashionable sorry Jackie I know you hired Lee Harvey to kill your husband for fashion or because he was cheating on you. As a Catholic I take great offense to you Jackie for killing the first Catholic president and it’s your fault he cheated on you YOU SUCK AT SEX. You know what what makes Nancy even better she got to have sex with Ronald Reagan or as I like to call him Ronald Ragin because that man knew how to party.
Onto the next favorite dead person of 2016
2. Buddy Ryan
Buddy Ryan taught me what grit is he had cancer not once but twice, broke his back three times, led troops into the jungle in Korea slaying commie Korean bastards, none of his men died. Created the 46 defense which murdered quarterbacks. I’m not kidding I’m pretty sure Richard Dent murdered a few quarterbacks. Buddy Ryan Fr. Grit. Buddy had the balls to tell Mike Fucking Ditka to go fuck himself when he walked into a meeting. Think of the balls of a man that told Iron Mike Ditka to tell him to go fuck himself. MASSIVE BALLS. The man created Rob and Rex Ryan. If it wasn’t for Buddy where would be no smash mouth 85 Bears, no Super Bowl, and Ditka would never have made the Grabowski comment that I read every time I wake up. If it wasn’t for Nancy Reagan to die this year Buddy Ryan would be number one by a mile. And a mile is long I walked cross country for two years.
Everyone knows two things about Arnold Palmer: dominating the golf game and creating the best drink known to man. I remember when Palmer went six feet under I could not get my God damn Arnold Palmer Half & Half Iced Tea and Lemonade. They had diet but I’m no pussy, heart attacks are for real men. Now I would say I disrespect Arnie in my golf game.. Its fucking horrible. But I’m white so I have to play atleast twice a year.
4. The People’s Mayor Rob Ford
Why can’t Cincinnati get a mayor like Rob Ford? Nothing better than a crack smoking mayor that yells at people while hammered at a hockey game. Don’t get we wrong smoking crack as a mayor is a legendary move but that is not the story that made me love Rob Ford. The best story of Rob Ford takes place on St. Paddy’s Day 2012. Hold up before I give the summary this could possibly be the best story I have ever heard next to the Holy Bible. Shoutout to God. The night included Ford knocking a junior staffer off his feet, jumping on his giant Cut the Waist challenge scale while taking off his clothes, smashing his cellphone on the wall, crying, and even throwing racial slurs and his business cards at a cab driver, according to accounts from sources who were in the office that night. The reason the people’s mayor is only #4 is because I was not at the party and he is Canadian. I am sorry but America is #1. MAGA
5. Craig Sager
The level of respect I have for Sager is unmeasurable. I am not a huge NBA fan or even a huge basketball fan but I loved the level of professionalism Sager presented. Sports media has been taken over with personality for example Stephen A Smith. ESPN is notorious for reporters thinking they are bigger than the game. Craig never had an ego on or off the court. Also I would have to say Sager has the biggest balls on this whole list. I remember when I saw the news Craig Sager had passed away. I was eating a beautiful burger at Quatman’s and I dropped the burger onto my plate. I knew his time was limited but it was still shocking. The news seriously made me drop the burger, I NEVER DROP A BURGER. In any other year he would be number one.
In 2016 I saw people that affected my life to a certain degree pass away. Nancy Reagan’s death truly did ruin my day to the point people thought I lost a family member. Buddy Ryan would be a saint if he was Catholic. Rob Ford is a common man that fell up hill and landed into a mayor’s office, legend. Craig Sager showed true class every man in the sports industry should strive to be.